I will never forget what had happened 30 years ago. Dad passed away 30 years ago today. Thirty years later, I am sitting in front of the computer, facing another lonely atmosphere. I know I am not going to get any parents love in this life again. Not long ago, I admired people who fell in love, I thought they were lucky. Now I am afraid to love, how can I assure a stranger will keep my heart in a proper place and handle with care? I prefer to love others rather than receiving it? This is hard. I guess I still couldn't overcome some type of separation, like death. I don't know when I can take it again. I guess I can still postpone for another two years, until I finish my school.
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Thirty years ago, I was a "Fs" students, and now I am a doctoral learner. Am I feeling proud? I guess last year when I just started, it felt like flying in the sky. Today, this is already part of me, I like the process of learning. To some extend I am facing, tackling, and dealing with my sense of insecurity. I see my self-esteem is getting better and better each day.
Sometimes, I think I am a good pretender. Many people think I present myself with full confidence. Interesting enough that they do not know I was trained like that since 1st grade, especially I had to stand in front of the class and present my speech every week.
As a Maryknoller, we were taught to present ourselves with full confidence, tough, independent, and never say never. As my parents daughter, I have to be very discipline and maintain my self-esteem at all times. Do you think I can do all these?
No. I am just another human, I present myself with true feelings. I laugh when I am happy; I cry when I feel sad. Sometimes, people think crying is telling people that you are weak. For me, this is not my interpretation. Most of the time, I cried alone, why I have to let people know that I am crying? A few of my friends, they saw me cried. Then they teased me by saying "Your eyes are so beautiful when you cry. " (of course, I laughed)
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This is the second week of my summer quarter, I thought this summer is easy. "Wrong" Holy smoke, when I looked at those weekly assignments, I almost passed out. Just don't know how to make it through. How? how? how?
Well! I made it every quarter...so.....just face it and do it....and you will get it!